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Cycling Love Triangle

Cyclist, spouse, and a bicycle

JPCOF The love triangle consists of a cyclist, a spouse and a bicycle. Cyclist loves spouse and bicycle. Spouse loves cyclists but not bicycle. Bicycle loves no one. It is a strange kind of relationship with 2 people and a bicycle. The cyclists begins to get confused on the priority between cycling and all else (including spouse). The attraction to bicycle is getting stronger and is beyond the point of no return. Spouse loves the person but not cycling and begins to feel neglected. Spouse feels threatened and wonders where this relationship is going. Bicycle just sits quietly loved by the cyclists and hated by the spouse.

Love for cycling is real. Love for spouse is real. Can the 3 sides of the triangle live in harmony? Here are some thoughts to ponder.

Marry a sugar mama or a sugar daddy

If you want to satisfy the desire to ride as much as you want and pursue your dreams as cyclist with little or no constraints, then consider marrying someone with lots of money. This may sound bit criminal but is effective. Having access to large amount of money from your spouse who doesn’t mind spending it frees up a lot of time. For one, it is entirely possible that you won’t have to work. To make this relationship work, the cyclist must provide fringe benefits that the wealthy spouse wants in exchange. Since making money is not one of them, you should have plenty of time, even after cycling, to spend quality times together.

Live alone

Not marrying makes a whole bunch of stuff irrelevant. Cyclist can do whatever without sharing his/her time with another person. There is no guilt and no responsibility of a relationship. For some, this is a good enough option while for others, this is a lonely and unhappy path. Human beings are designed as social creatures and you are not going to be happy without a social network. For loners, healthy dosage of social life must come from someone other than a spouse such as family, work, friends, social group and such. This may sound like a good option toward happiness but be honest with yourself. So you finished another killer century, won another race, accomplished yet another goal… who will you have to share it with? After the podium and banner are torn down, you will be back alone with your bicycle.

Respect

Assuming that you didn’t marry into sugar nor living single, then welcome to the jungle. Most likely, the cycling lifestyle (aka addiction) is putting pressure into marriage. One of the root causes is lack of respect for each other. For you, cycling is a lifestyle. For the spouse, cycling is a very expensive and time consuming hobby at best that needs to be tamed immediately. There is no respect for each other and difference of priority creep up on daily basis. Couples need to admit the significance of cycling in their marriage life and respect one another’s pursuit of happiness. Admit that cycling is part of who you are and you don’t want to give it up. Spell out your goals and passion so your spouse can understand just how much this really means to you. On the other hand, the non-riding spouse should do the same. Spell out your needs and don’t assume that subtle hints are enough. Cyclists (especially men) are not very smart when it comes to mind reading. They will probably need frequent reminders spelled out to them like talking to a child. Recognize each others strengths and weakness. Have respect for what is important to each one. After all, would you love your spouse any less because he/she is a cyclist? Respect is for the person, not the activity when it comes to marriage. It is possible to pursue your dreams as cyclist and have happy marriage at the same time. Yes, it is possible.

Root cause analysis

It is important to talk (not shout) about what is really causing the stress. In many cases, the cycling itself may not be the root culprit. Take for example that you ride 15 hours per week and attend weekend races on regular basis. It is clear that there is tension but is it really from time spent on cycling? What if you were really "in to" some other time consuming activities like home remodeling, gardening, cooking or child care. Couples need to talk honestly about the actual source of the stress and not just point fingers at an inanimate bicycle. It is likely that the real source of stress is your lack of energy toward the marriage and cycling is just an easy target to pick on. Healthy marriage is not unlike a good training plan. It takes work, commitment, time and patience. Don’t cop out and just blame cycling at each other. Perhaps it is your "choice" not to spend sufficient energy on the marriage that is the issue. Is marriage important enough for you to work on it or you rather spend the energy to research aero wheels?

Divorce

Unfortunately, many cycling marriages end in a divorce due to what seems to be irreconcilable differences. Divorce is a painful option and admission to a failure of a decision. Divorce just doesn’t happen one day. It is the end of a series of unresolved issues. Healthy couples just don’t wake up one day and decide to divorce. Some may be tempted to fix the strained marriage with an ultimatum but be careful. If you give your spouse an ultimatum between marriage and cycling, don’t be surprised if they chose cycling. By the time a couples resort to ultimatum, the damage may already be done and cycling will feel like a get out of jail card. Even if they chose marriage over cycling through an ultimatum, it may be a temporary test of a will rather than road to happy relationship. It at all possible, try to avoid divorce. Happy marriage is worth it and lot more fun than divorce.

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