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Jack Piper and the Chamois of Fire - Chapter 12 Table of Contents

by Flava Dave

Did someone mention a possible "Conspiracy?"

University - Let the learning begin ack's first few days of college had featured a white-knuckled ride in a rusty Mini Cooper, a last minute arrangement for an apartment and rent, a classmate on a third story ledge, the Tuesday Night World Championships, a flaming beater bike ride through a crowd of students during a power outage, and a chase by campus security. Anyone else might have been a little bit frazzled by the excitement, but Jack was used to it after growing up in an orphanage full of mischievous cyclists.

The challenge for Jack was keeping up with his busy schedule of classes. He was taking typical freshmen courses in English, art, business, and sociology from the university but Jack also found himself entangled in several "unofficial" courses that required just as much time and energy. These extra classes could have been arranged into a rather humorous course catalog.

Bike Practice 101 - Meets Tues/Thurs evenings, Sat/Sun mornings. Topics include drafting in packs, pacelines, and echelons, as well as guttering, elbows, and evasive maneuvers. Class projects involve lactic acid, dehydration, and various road surfaces.
Geography 112 – (taken concurrently with Bike Practice 101) Students will learn locations of towns, roads, hills, potholes, farm dogs, and all Casey's convenience stores within 50-mile radius.
Garbology 099 – Seminar meets nightly, after dark. Save money and make new friends by "harvesting" food before it goes to waste. The world is your dumpster…dive in.
Public Relations 155 – Taught by Professor Sluggo, students will learn how to influence people by using the twin arts of aggressive persuasion and situational intimidation. The koan, "If it moves, smash it. If it doesn't move, smash it," will be studied in depth.


The public relations course was held sporadically throughout the semester. The first lecture Jack had the opportunity to attend featured Sluggo ripping the door off of a car. Had Jack been taking notes, they might have looked like this:

I. Group ride.

    A. Saturday morning.
    B. About 20 riders.
    C. JRA (Just Riding Along).


II. Some guy drives by.

    A. Beat up old car.
    B. Flips everyone off.


III. Sluggo responds.

    A. "You just gotta know how to deal with people like this."
    B. Waves driver to pull over.
    C. Rides up to door of car.


IV. Conflict resolved.

    A. Driver unlatches door to open it.
    B. Sluggo grabs door and swings it open as hard as he can.
    C. Door flies off rusty hinges and lands in middle of road.
    D. Driver looks at door, looks at Sluggo.
    E. Driver starts car and drives off, minus one car door.


The days and weeks of the semester continued to flash by until late one night, just after Jack had drifted off to sleep, he was awakened with firecrackers going off outside his basement window. Jack's unofficial course load was already quite full, but it was about to get even busier. Jack was about to begin his training in The Dark Arts.




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