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Doper's Guide â€“ Doping 101 for Dummies

Stimulants, Testosterone, EPO... So many choices for doping dummies. Let Dr. OK teach you the basics.

Welcome dopers, this is Dr. OK. Doping 101 for Dummies is first of many articles to educate those who have the urge to win but kind of suck. Doping for cycling is a broad and complex topic that requires at least a 3rd grade education. If you are not sure, then you need to go back to school and learn you some education. Also, you should have mastered the first step of Doperâ€™s Guide before proceeding.

Ok, so I'm going to break down the subject into 4 basic dope categories and explain them at high level. Some of this may be way over your biking vocabulary, but donâ€™t worry. Just let this wash over you and go with the flow.

Stimulants:
Stimulants include caffeine, ephedra, "beaners", espresso, "most diet aides", etc. These products are "in the race" aides. They will allow short term benefits in sporting performance. In other words, you would take this either during or shortly before a race. They raise heart rate, constrict blood vessels, and raise blood pressure. Turn off your max heart rate beeper to avoid attention.

Downside of stimulants is that they can cause tachycardia, jitteriness, gastric/GI distress (this means diarrhea in your chamois) and can make it very difficult to dissipate heat (constricted blood vessels).

Thomas - boy or girl

Testosterone and Precursors:
The Oh-So-Male of Hormonesâ€¦ These dopes turn a man into a man plus plus and makes a woman to a she-man. If you hear the word Anabolic, this means body / muscle building. If you use testosterone properly, they work very well in increasing your strength. If you take enough, you may even be able to hit a fast moving baseball out of the park.

There are some downsides. First, you will gain bulk (weight) which is not desirable for cyclist going up hills. For women cyclist, Testosterone has special tendency to produce she-man. You may have to start shaving your face and you will attract occasional "O" faces from on-lookers. For male cyclist, you will notice some additional air space in the chamois as your twig and berries shrink. Testosterone also has effect of making you very aggressive, good asset in the NFL, not so much on a bike. Thereâ€™s some debate as to whether this hormone has a beneficial effect as a "in the race" aide. I believe that they do not other than psychological. So, don't replace your Gu with testosterone shots in the race.

Ritardo Ricco - wearing my twig is here kit

Ritardo Ricco - wearing my twig is here kit

EPO:
Endurance athletes best friend. Most of you already know that this will increase your red blood cell count. This will increase your oxygen carrying capacity, thus increasing your ability to perform and stave off fatigue and allowing you to perform at a higher level for longer. EPO is secreted by the kidney and signals the bone marrow to produce more red blood cells. Effects can be mimicked with altitude training, other hypoxic conditions (altitude tents), and blood doping (transfusions).

Downside is that it turns your blood to sludge if your red blood cell count goes too high. This is why you have "healthy" athletes in their prime dropping dead from heart attacks. Smart dopers will dose smaller and more frequently to avoid detection. Are you a smart doper of dummy doper?

one needs HGH and one has too much

HGH:
Human Growth Hormone. Naturally, too little leads to dwarfism. Too much leads to gigantism. Too much, after puberty, leads to growth of appositional bones leading to characteristic changes suggestive of HGH abuse or a pituitary tumor. The panacea does everything. This is "THE" hormone responsible for growth in humans. Increases muscle mass as it has an anabolic effect on the body.

Downside is that youâ€™ll look like a cave man with prolonged use. Good for Geico commercials, bad for almost everything else. Also thought to increase the incidence of many cancers, this is not a good thing.

Summary
Ok, this is a lot of information for a newbie and I've only scratched the surface. I can almost feel your veins bulging with appeal to dope if you make a living racing bicycle and you think "everyone else" is doping. Life is not fair. For rest of you who, how should I put it nicely, SUCK because of wimpy training, too much ice cream or have lost all sense of priority on the saddle, go back to step 1 of Doperâ€™s Guide. Stand in front of mirror and repeat, "I am a doper".

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